I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Randomize
