I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
