Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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