we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
