best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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