I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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