It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
