The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Randomize
