he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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