Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
