Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
