well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
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