She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
