Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
