i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Randomize
