that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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