its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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