dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
