My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
