It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
