i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
