i would punch a child for taco bell
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Randomize
