My Higher Power is John Stamos
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
