and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
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