do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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