I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
