Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
