Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Panties = found
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