one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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