Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
