You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
where are my eyebrows?
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize