I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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