What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
