he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
