His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
