so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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