She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Randomize
