I'm passing your future prison.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
