I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
