Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
