he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
