Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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