i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
