i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
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