the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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