yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Randomize
