like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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