I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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