he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
