The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Randomize
