i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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