wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
