It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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