im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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