Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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