I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
